Artemis Fowl and the River of Fun
by Agent Sapphire
Summary: Artemis Fowl takes part in a Tv show to make friends. He meets a girl called River, who seems to have links with the fairies.
1. Prolouge

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the people in this story, apart from the ones I do. You should be able to work out which ones they are. (Hint: The ones Owen Colfer wasn't smart enough to think of. *rumble* Ok, I take it back!

**Prologue**

(A newspaper report)

**Human Baby in Haven!**

**Today it was revealed that a young human, only 18 months (very young, even for a mud person) had managed to get into Haven! It is thought that the child had crawled into the shuttle at Tara and made its way down to Haven. Due to the baby's elf like appearance and slightly pointed ears, she was mistaken for a lost elf. The centaur Foaly found her in an alleyway and took her back to his house. He looked after her for 6 months, before realising that she showed no signs of magic and was quite tall for an elf. He ran some scans and was shocked to find out that the young girl, named River, was a human. She wasn't mind wiped, as humans are already forgetful and a young child has very bad memory. As she learnt to speak Gnommish, learnt to walk and use computers very well, it would be destructive to her advancement to mind wipe her. Foaly insists he taught her very repeatedly to not pollute, so hopefully that's one less mud man that will try and destroy the planet.**

* * *

><p>Foaly sighed and stopped reading the newspaper report form several years ago. Despite all the amazing technology fairies had, some fairies still preferred actual newspapers, rather than the amazing v-papers he had invented. He was so unappreciated. He was annoyed that the L.E.P had made him get rid of River. He'd named her River after his favourite kind of music called River Bend. He'd known from the start that River was human, but he'd hoped no one else would. It was that annoying Grub who had been worried about River and hassled Foaly into doing the tests, and then had told Commander Root. Root went ballistic, well more than usual, and had docked Foaly's pay for 'being so stupid that he didn't know what a mud whelp looked like'. But Foaly wasn't stupid. He knew that. He was a genius and he had had a plan. It was a genius plan, but as Root was so fond of saying, there are two ways of looking at genius, amazing or so goddamn stupid that not even goblins would do it.<p>

The plan was so amazing that it easily could be mistaken for goddamn stupid, but Foaly knew which one it was. However, his plan was undoubtedly illegal, so he hadn't told anyone. Not even Holly. He wanted to fairies to take orphaned babies, and raise them as fairies, then when they were adults, tell them the truth and let them choose what to do. Soon, they would have had a lot of fairy-humans and they would be able to convince other humans to stop pollution. River had given Foaly the idea.

But when everyone had found out about River, his plan had been foiled before it had even started. Foaly had tried keeping tabs on River, but when Root had caught him for the tenth time, he all out banned anything to do with River.

'I wonder where River is now?' thought Foaly. Just then, his communicator beeped. "Hello Holly!" he said when her face appeared in the screen. She was smiling stupidly and her eyes were a little unfocused.

"Hi!" she said. "Can I come over? I have an idea of something to do. It will be hilarious!" Her voice was slightly slurred.

"Ok," said Foaly. "Come over in ten minutes. By the way, are you drunk?"

" Yeah, I think I am. Trouble had a birthday party for Grub, but only me, Trouble, Grub, Vinyaya, Chix and Grub's Mum came. Grub had invited half the L.E.P!" laughed Holly. "Grub even invited Root! He-he, Roots face! Anyway, the party was so boring and Grub's mum is was so annoying and we had to play pass the blooming parcel and Grub cried because I didn't wear a dress (I don't think he knows Vinyaya is a girl) so eventually Trouble got out some booze and hid it in the coke and me, Chix and Trouble got wasted. Vinyaya was too busy trying to open the parcel. Then Grub tried to get some coke and his mum saw what we put in the coke so we got kicked out and Chix tried to kiss me and now he's in a bin. And by the way I'm already here!" she knocked on the door to prove it. Foaly only listened to less than half of Holly's rambling but finally heard her knock. Grumbling about common sense and how Holly needed a shot of it, he opened the door. "What is it then?" he asked. "It's going to be epic," confided a giggling Holly. Foaly felt worried then. Holly was not the giggling sort. Grub's mum must be really bad if she made Holly drink that much. "But lets discuss it indoors," continued Holly. "I have a feeling it might not be legal…"

**A/N:** Yay, my first fic! Please review! Please! Alhough the pysical appearance of the please doesn't matter (quote from who knows where) PRETTY PLEASE! If you are the first reviewer, please don't flame. If you aren't then set me alight if you feel the need. However, I will only pay real attention to constructive critisism, so you could be wasting your wood. I really want to know what people think, good or bad?

Yours,

Until Bob Banana is the PM


	2. The TV Show of doom

**Chapter 1**

**The TV show (of Doom)**

Artemis Fowl 2nd was working on his laptop when his mother, Angeline Fowl, walked into his room. Without knocking. Artemis scowled but turned round to face his mother. "Hello Mo – Mum," he said. " What is it that requires my services?"

"You're always so formal," sighed his mother. "And that's part of the problem."

"What problem?" asked Artemis impatiently; he wanted to get back to his hacking. He watched his mother carefully. She seemed to be worried and also a little bit dazed. He ignored that; after all, it was late at night.

"You never seem to have any friends, or 'hang out' with people your age."

"Mum, we have been over this many times. I do have friends. Captain Short is my friend. So is Butler. And Minerva. I talk with Foaly online. So there really is no need to worry."

"Three of those people are adults and the other you only meet with to discuss scientific theories. Also, I don't think Foaly is a very responsible adult. He invents guns you know. And he encourages your hacking. So I had an idea!"

Artemis groaned inwardly. He had a feeling that what ever it was, he wouldn't like it. "What is your idea, Mum?" he asked, fearing the answer. He really hoped it wasn't another boarding school.

"I'm really glad I came up with it actually. There is going to be a new TV show called 'Fun Friends!' They get two children who live different lives and then they spend two weeks in the others company. So, in the first week a child would go to another child's house for a week, and do as they do, then the next week it would be reversed. The catch is, the people have to do exactly ask they are told be their host," explained Angeline. Artemis now thought his groan was justified and groaned out loud.

"Please say that you didn't sign me up!" he begged.

"I did actually, and today they replied. You're going to be on the TV!"

"At least say that Butler is allowed to come," said Artemis, feeling he would die if not.

"No, he isn't," replied his mother. "I asked, but they said he can only be there when the other child comes here." Artemis sighed. He knew that he was going to hate the upcoming weeks. "When do they start filming?" he asked.

"Tomorrow," replied Angeline as she walked out the door. "You will be filmed meeting the girl and the people will explain about the show."

"Fine," said Artemis moodily. "I'll go on the TV show (of doom)" but he only muttered the last part to himself. Then, "Girl?"


	3. Stars reflected in the River

**Chapter 2**

**Stars reflected in the River**

River Fisher could hardly contain her excitement when she read the email. She was going to be on TV! She might be famous! She got to boss some guy around! She ran into the kitchen were her adoptive mother was cooking. "Annabelle, guess what!" she started excitedly. "I've been picked for the show!"

"Honey, that's great!" replied Annabelle. "When do they start filming?"

"Tomorrow, at 9 on the high street in town," said a bouncing River, her long red hair falling into her hazel eyes. She pushed it back behind her slightly pointed ears with a hand that was coffee brown like the rest of her skin. She fingered her lucky charm necklace, the one she had been found with. It was silver and the charm was in the shape of a horseshoe. The other thing she had been found with was a ring, but she didn't wear it much. She kept it safe in a special box and checked it every night.

"Ok, will Rob and I need to be there?" asked Annabelle. Annabelle was River's adoptive mum. She had married Robert before finding out that she couldn't have children, so they had decided to adopt. River had caught her eye by the way she seemed so intelligent at such a young age and her unusual looks were interesting.

"Yep," replied River. "I'm going to go back upstairs now, 'kay?" and she ran upstairs.

River was a strange girl in many ways. Her looks would suggest she was an elf to any of the People (not that she knew of them). She was an amazing hacker and inventor, having successfully hacked the pentagon last year and patented 3 inventions, as well as other ideas that she had decided to keep for herself. She was very anti-pollution and made sure that all of her inventions and computers ran of renewable energy. She could speak a language unknown to anyone else and could write the strange alphabet without being taught. Luckily, she picked up languages fast so she soon learnt English, and she healed quickly when she was hurt. She liked to play sport but wasn't the best at it. Making friends was difficult for her, but the ones she did make were good friends.

However, she did have faults too. She was easily offended, and could hold long grudges. Her amazingly good memory helped her remember exactly what had been said, when and by whom, making her always know who had insulted her. It was difficult for her to forgive people. She was vain about her inventions and was very hotheaded. She had been in trouble many times over starting fights, as she was very free with her fists. She couldn't hit very hard, but she knew were the punch would hurt and she could strike as quick as lightening.

River was an orphan, who turned outside an orphanage when she was two, with a birth certificate that was filled in apart from the place of birth and her parents. Annabelle and Robert adopted her a few months later. She had a happy life and she was well looked after. What she wanted though was to be a star.

River didn't mind what in, whether it was acting, singing or sport, but she wanted people to know what she had achieved after she died. She had heard about the program Fun Friends and decided that it would be a great way to try acting. She'd filled in the form straight away and soon it had come back, informing her that she was going to be on the show. It was going to be with a company call PPTV, something she had never heard of. 'Wait a minute, that's sounded familiar' River thought. She let her mind flow back to the memory.

River remembered sitting on the floor in a room. A TV was mounted on the wall. "PPTV will be back after the break!" announce a voice and the letters PPTV appeared in big red letters on the screen. "Hi River!" called a voice. River had turned round to see a man trot into the room. No wait, he trotted because he was a horse. But, he talked, because he was a man. No, he did both, because he was both. River remembered being confused, then smiling as the strange horse/man…

River tried to grasp hold of the memory, but it dissolved into nothing and she was brought back to the present. Who was that man/horse? Actually, what was he? River thought to some books she had read. They were called centaurs, she remembered. But why did she remember that? 'Relax,' she told herself. 'I expect it was just a dream I had.' But her subconscious told her otherwise.


	4. Such Fun with Friends

**Chapter 3**

**Such Fun with Friends**

**An extract from the Diary of Artemis Fowl 2nd (Translated from Gnommish)**

I was thoroughly outraged at Mothers decision to force me to partake in the ridiculous show in a futile effort to make me socialise with more teenagers like myself. Mother means well, but her ideas are pointless. There are no teenagers like myself, because I am unique. I have patented many inventions and have saved the world on numerous occasions. I have stolen gold from the fairy folk and out witted the devious Opal Kobio. I have committed many amazing bank robberies and forged nearly 100 priceless works of art, as well as creating my own. All this at the young age of 15, yet my mother still thinks I am like other teenagers. It is preposterous!

However, I did not wish to displease her, because, as I have mentioned, she means well, so I agreed to take part and perform in the show correctly. It was not long ago that I wouldn't care at all about her feelings, but my adventures with Captain Short and the other fairies have left me a more compassionate person. I owe much of psychological makeup to them, for they introduced concepts such as selflessness and kindness to me, for although I of course had heard of them, I had never experienced them.

However, onto the purpose of this diary, to record my experiences of the day so I can recount them at leisure in the future. I decided that after I had finished appearing in the accursed show, I would write a psychology paper on it. This prospect cheered me up immensely, as I flew in my jet to the city of Exeter. When I reached the dismal city, I was introduced to Max, the producer of Fun Friends. He explained to me that the girl I was to be in the show with had flipped a coin and won, so that meant that I had to go to her house first. Max told me that I had to do all the things she did and if she asked me to do something, I had to or I would be punished. I was sceptical of this at fist, as I have been trained by Butler to resist torture both physical (the one I find hardest) and mental (easy but, when I was informed of the punishment, I decided to comply by the rules. Max also told me that there was no script and that apart from certain points, the show was to be filmed by hidden cameras. I am not allowed to remove the cameras and I am not allowed to tell anyone that I am taking part with the show.

Later on, I met the girl I was to be staying with for the week. I was shocked by her appearance, at first mistaking her for a tall elf. She had the same coloured hair, eyes and skin. She even had slightly pointed ears. Then I noticed her height. She was far too tall to be an elf, even though she was quite short for a teenage human. She wore blue jeans, black trainers and a red GAP hooded jumper. Then I realised. She wasn't 15; she was about 12!

"'Sup, I'm River Fisher!" she said cheerily. "Who are you?" I smiled my trademark vampire smile, and she pulled the hood over her head, looking slightly scared.

"I'm Artemis Fowl the 2nd." I said coldly. "Pleased to meet you." I lied. I extended my hand out. River looked worried for a moment, and I inwardly smirked. It seemed that she was easily scared and I would soon be able to manipulate her. Then, River stared at me, scrutinising me carefully. The next thing came as a surprise to me. She smiled brightly, pulled her hood back and slapped her palm down on my hand. I stared at her, shocked at the sudden change of personality. Then I composed my self and put on my usual cold mask, devoid of emotion. Her parents told us to go to the car; River grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the car park, my luggage trailing behind me.

The car journey was long, so the irksome River decided to take this opportunity to quiz me, asking me about anything and everything about my self. I answered a few of her questions, and then moved on to my own. I interrogated her enough to learn that she is an orphan adopted by Annabelle and Robert Fisher, that she is a hacker and inventor, and that she is incredibly annoying. All through my questioning she used vulgar slang and interrupted me with random questions about tings I have never heard of. She talked with wildly animated gestures that even my coldest stares could not subdue. I didn't know what on or under the earth she was going on about! I mean. How can maths be a homosexual? She also used strange words and abbreviations such as , W.T.F and the word loll for things she finds amusing.

When we reached a rare period of calm while River searched for a new highly irritating topic of conversation, I asked her a question I had wanted too all journey. "When I first met you, you seemed scared of me, but then you weren't. Why?"

She considered for a moment. "Because you didn't look like a threat and I thought you looked friendly," she said after a short while. I am not sure if that is a compliment or an insult, but before I could think about it, River plunged into a new pointless conversation.

When we reached River's small house, River showed me her small bedroom. "Ok," she said brightly. "Rule time!" she motioned for me to sit on the bed. I stayed standing, until she roughly pushed me down. "Right," she continued. "Rule one: You can't go through my draws and my boxes or go on my laptop. You can't touch my books unless I say so. You can't go through my draws because not even God knows what's in there, so you could die. In my boxes is my private stuff that I might show you later, laptop is obvious and you can't touch my books 'cause they're mine." She paused for a breath. "Rule Two: you have to go out when I am getting changed or sulking or if I say so. Um… Rule 3: um… err… ooh, I know, I get to choose what music we listen to and what we watch on TV! Rule 4: You have to tell me what You Tube videos you like." She stared at me until I realised I was expected to obey this straight away.

"I don't know any You Tube videos," I said lamely.

"WTHF!" she cried, looking genuinely shocked. "No wonder you look so sad. Do you even under stand what I say?"

I shook my head. "No, I don't understand a lot of you're vulgar slang," I admitted.

River gaped at me for a moment, then stopped. "Don't worry, I'll write you a list," she said kindly. "Cowpog." I heard her mutter under her breath. In Gnommish it means moron. How did she know Gnommish?

River wrote me up a list of some words and phrases I am unfamiliar with. She says I should use them when we go to school tomorrow. I have copied part of it into this diary for further consultation.

List of words for the moron:

Describing something as gay: that thing is stupid. I.e.: maths is gay means maths is stupid.

Peanutting: Pulling someone's tie until the top bit is tiny.

LOL: stands for Laugh Out Loud

WTF: stands for what the **** (if you say all of it say what the FISH)

WTFH: stands for what the fishy hell

Tan ass: in heads and volleys when you get hit on the butt.

Heads and Volleys: a game of football that is complicated and I'll tell you later.

NOTE: NEVER SWEAR!

I have school tomorrow so I hope that won't be to boring.


	5. School Sheganigans

**Chapter 4 **

**School Shenanigans **

**Extracts from Rivers Diary**

**Sunday**

Dear Diary,

Today I started participating in the show. I don't usually write a diary but I thought I would be a good idea. Artemis Fowl has come to stay for the week. He's meant to be a genius or something, but he sure seems stupid. I mean I had to write him a list of words he doesn't understand! Then it turned out he has never been on You Tube with something funny! OMG! I showed him all of the llamas with hats, ASDF and some funny songs, but he hardly smiled! OMG, what if he's an alien! It's weird though, 'cause when I first saw him he looked scary, and he's like 15 or something and usually I'm scared of his age people but he looked so funny! Then he asked me why I wasn't scared. I can see he has a HUGE ego, so I just said he wasn't a threat. See, I'm nice like that. I wonder where the cameras are? Max said that they are all around the house and I know that there are some in my clothes, but I haven't seen any. Oh well. Tomorrow is school. I bet that will be fun. It's a shame my best friend is on holiday; I bet we could have had a lot of laughs with Artemis…

**Monday**

I decided putting 'dear diary' is stupid so I decide not to. Anyhoo, today I introduced Artemis to the class. They were like, 'sup! And he was like; I'm Artemis Fowl the blah blah blah. He got permission to be in all the lessons with me, even PE. We all pretended that he was getting changed with us and his face was hilarious! Most boys would be right in there, but he looked really uncomfortable! He was hopeless at netball, and got in a lot of trouble with the teacher, though that was partly because we'd tricked him into wearing a skort. I felt sorry for him though, so I made sure he was with me at break. We played heads 'n' volleys and he got tan assed so many times he looked like he would cry. I decided that we would have to give most sport a miss this week. Well, not all.

**Tuesday**

Today I became friends with Artemis. We were coming out of the library when some guy in year 10 grabbed Artemis. He was like, you stupid punk; you can't go round like that, you don't have any friends. And I was like, yeah he does, I'm his friend and hit him real hard in the balls. Artemis looked shocked and said, "I think you'd like Juliet." He says I can meet her at his house. Not much else happened, apart from we watched TV. Oh yeah, and Artemis started a fire.

**A/N: **Next time, Artemis' adventures with toasties, River draws and a guy gets punched where it hurts. By the way, sorry I don't put authoress notes, I am new to Fan Fiction, but I have now got an idea of how to change the documents and stuff. Please tell me if either I have made spelling and grammar mistakes or used language that offends you. I will change it because I want to keep the rating to at most K+.


	6. Trouble with Foaly and toasties

**Chapter 5**

**Trouble with a Centaur, and trouble with a toastie**

Artemis sighed as he got off the bus. It was loud, unhygienic and slow. He really missed the limo. It had been a trying day at the grammar school. Not in the lessons, they were easy, but with the vulgar, stupid, rough imbeciles. And River. He was covered in bruises from physical activity and had been quite scared by the bully's sudden attack. He was used to Butler getting rid of the danger before anything happened. He was lucky that River had been there, although she had got in trouble for punching.

River lead the way up the road to her house. When they reached the door, she ran in through the front door yelling, "I get changed first!" as she charged up the stairs. While she was gone, Artemis thought about what she had said. "He does have friends," she had told the bully. "He has me." Did she really mean that, or was it just for protection. Despite what he had told his mother, Artemis didn't really have many friends. Holly was his friend, certainly. But Butler was more of a teacher, a mentor and a father figure, than a proper friend. He had more of an intellectual interest in Foaly's inventions than a real friendship. He got on well with Minerva, but she was also (in his eyes) more of a fellow intellect. In truth, he only really had one friend. But now it appeared he had another, after only meeting her two days before.

River appeared from upstairs, dressed in jeans and a blue t-shirt. "I've decided that we are gong to do some drawing," she announced. "I have the pens here." She waved a packet of felt-tips in Artemis' face.

"Um, River?" began Artemis awkwardly. "I was wondering, when you said to that boy that I was your friend, did you mean it?"

"Of course," she said. Then, "What are you drawing?"

Artemis looked up at her. "I'm drawing you," he said. "Look." He showed her the splodge-covered drawing. 'Stupid felt-tips' he thought.

"What are you drawing?" he said, noticing that she was using a pack of colouring pencils instead of the bulky pens.

"Oh, just something I saw in a dream," she said airily. She turned the paper round to show Artemis. He stared. For on the paper, there was a badly drawn, but unmistakable picture of Foaly!

"What, it's not that bad is it?" joked River. Artemis composed his-self and prepared an answer. But before he could reply, River jumped up from the table. "Oh fish!" she said. "I forgot to do my homework. If I do my revision now, will you make the toasties? All the stuff is in the fridge. Just get bread, spread on the tomato puree, put on grated cheese and put on the other piece of bread. Oh yeah, then put it in the toastie maker. If I haven't eaten and do my homework by the time my mum comes home, I get in a lot of trouble."

Artemis wandered into the kitchen, wondering how he would be able to make a toastie. River had made it seem easy, but Artemis had never cooked in his whole life! As he searched for ingredients for the seemingly impossible toastie, he wondered how River knew what Foaly looked like. He decided that by chance she must have glimpsed him when she was a young, and dismissed it as a dream, or actually dreamt it and by some amazing coincidence, her drawing had turned out just like Foaly. He set to work on Mission: Impossible Toastie. It was hard, very hard. It didn't help that River was humming the mission impossible theme tune extremely loud.

While Artemis was trying to make a toastie, River carried on drawing. She had lied about getting into trouble about not eating, but she hadn't lied about having homework. Not that she cared if she got told off. She was always getting into trouble. Hmm. Funny word that. Trouble. It sounded familiar, like it used to mean something important to her. Trouble. It seemed to remind her of seaweed for some reason. Trouble Seaweed. That seemed close to a name she used to know. Trouble…Trouble… Trouble Kelp! That was it! But that wasn't a name, was it? She tried to remember when she had first heard that. But despite her amazing memory, she could recall it. She had been absent-mindedly been drawing while she was thinking. She now properly noticed what she had been drawing. It was a man's face that had pointed ears. He looked slightly familiar. But before she could think about it anymore, the smoke alarm went off. Smoke was coming out of the kitchen and a panicking Artemis was frantically trying to dose the flames, luckily not with water, as it was an electrical fire. River pulled him outside and called the fire brigade on her mobile.

When the firemen had sorted out the kitchen and scolded Artemis for starting a fire (after laughing about his failure of making a toastie), River decided that her 'homework' could wait and made a sandwich for herself and Artemis. As they ate the sandwiches in Rivers bedroom, River talked to Artemis about how to cook. "We will have to do some cooking soon," she told him. Artemis was inspecting her drawing of Foaly. On the other side, he noticed there was another face. It was Major Trouble Kelp of the LEP. This was getting stranger and stranger. Artemis was wondering whether he should call Holly, when River stood up.

"I'll show you what's in my box," she said. "You are my friend so you get to see." She went and opened the small black box. The first thing she brought out was a little box. Inside were some earrings. "These are special earrings," she told Artemis. Carefully, she replaced them in the box. Next, she brought out a little figure. It at first appeared to be a beautiful lady in a silk blue dress with flowers in her hair. "It's actually an angel," River informed Artemis. "But the wings broke off." She fingered the white stump on the figurine's back. "It was given to me by one of my very good friends." She continued. "He lives in another country now." Next she showed him some postcards from her friends and a volcanic rock that she got from a volcano. A charm on a piece of string that she kept around her neck was the next thing she showed him. It was in the shape of a horseshoe and was silver. "It was one of the two things I was found with," River said. She took out another box. She opened it up and took out a ring. "That charm, and this," she said, twirling the ring between her fingers. Artemis had seen to much fairy things to think it a coincidence. The ring she had was just like his, his fairy communicator.

**A/N: **This is as far as I have got. I am not sure where to go from here. I know the outline of the story, but am stuck for the next chapter. Please reply in the comments, will Artemis and River go swimming or will River take Artemis shopping and force him to have a makeover? YOU DECIDE! If there is anything else you think I should add in the story, please say. No romance please, I think that Holly only loves Artemis as a best friend. Also, is River a Mary Sue? Actually, what is a Mary Sue, I'm confused!

Bye!

PS: I still don't own stuff.


	7. Artemis Goes Shopping

**Chapter 6**

**Artemis Goes Shopping**

**A/N: **OMG! I GOT A REVIEW! I GOT SEVERAL! THEY MAY ONLY BE FROM 2 PEOPLE BUT PEOPLE READ MY RUBBISH FICS! THANK-YOU! THANKS 2many-bunnies for explaining WHAT A Mary-Sue is, I will try not to make River too Mary Sueish. Iamhere, you are epic and thank you very much for reviewing both my stories. I know that River had lots of rules and that is because they were things I would do, I like making up rules even if they are obvious (you need to with my siblings). To all your reviews: Luckily you are not the only person who reviews, I don't get the explanation either; it took my ages to think of and it is rubbish, I know, but just bear with it, the strange horse man was a centaur, I don't understand the next review, if by WTH you mean what the hell then that is how I think River would write a diary and when I tried writing a diary that is how I wrote mine. River is a childish character, like I am. I am updating now. TO 2many-bunnies, what does OC stand for? (Or anyone else who will answer) I think it stands for own character.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own anything. *Meh*

**ON WITH THE STORY!**

***** Beep beep* went Rivers alarm clock. She groaned and sat up, slamming her hand down on the off button. On the floor beside her bed, Artemis rolled over, but didn't wake up. That was good, because it was 6am and River needed quite for her hacking time. She went over to the laptop on her desk and opened it up. While she waited for it to load, she looked at her familiar room. It wasn't enormous, it wasn't small, it was just the right sort of size for her. The walls were white, but were plastered with posters from magazines and pictures of her friends. Her bed was pushed up against one wall with her desk at the foot of it. On the small space left on the floor, Artemis slept on a blow up mattress. He had complained a lot about that at first, but when River had reminded him that he had no choice, he gave in. A cupboard where River kept her clothes was next to him. The computer bleeped, and River started hacking. She wasn't in the mood for a challenge that day, so she hacked the school site.

An hour later, River was nearly ready for school. The school site had been easy to crack so she'd gone and had breakfast. She'd already showered and now she needed to get dressed. Unfortunately, Artemis hadn't woken up. This was no time for subtlety.

"WAKE UP ARTEMIS!" she yelled in his ear. She jumped on the blow up mattress a few times to emphasis the urgency.

"WHAT!" shouted Artemis, "WAS THAT FOR? I WAS ONE SECOND AWAY FROM GETTING UP!"

"Oops," giggled River. "Now shush and get out. I need to get changed. Be quite or you'll wake everyone up!" She pushed Artemis out the room and got changed into her school uniform.

'I should find Artemis," she thought. 'If he started a fire making a toastie, who knows what he could do making himself breakfast?'

Luckily, Artemis hadn't set the house on fire; he had only made a cup of tea.

"Hello," he said. "How are you today, apart from very eager to get dressed? Is anything special happening today?"

"Hey," said River, putting a piece of toast in the toaster. "Do you want some toast?"

"Yes please," replied Artemis. "But is anything special happening today?"

"Apart from school, you mean? We're going shopping after school today. I need some new stuff and you have boring clothes. Also, I'm going to start bossing you more. I didn't want to before, but now we're friends I feel ok with it."

"My clothes aren't boring! They are very special tailored clothes. I don't want the silly clothes that you like. And how does being friends make you want to boss me around"

"Whatever. I don't know. Your toast is ready, by the way." River went over to the toaster and pulled out the toast. "Here!" she said, passing it over. She ate it without butter quickly and then went back upstairs. Despite hating unbuttered toast, Artemis ate his too. He had no idea of how to butter it.

The school day went all to quickly for Artemis, who was dreading having to go shopping. He could only imagine what sort of Horrors River would get him. The final bell went and River pulled him out of the classroom.

"Come on we'll miss the bus!" she told him crossly, dragging him up the road. They reached the bus stop just as it was about to leave. River took Artemis upstairs to the top of the Double Decker bus.

"I'm hungry!" she complained. "Are you hungry too?"

"I am a little." Artemis said.

"Wait a second, I have something in my pocket!" said River triumphantly. She brought out a lollypop!

"Want it?" she asked.

"No, I detest them." Artemis replied in a cold voice.

"Same." River threw the lollypop toward the back of the bus.

After a while the bus reached the city centre. "Here we are!" announced River. "The shopping centre." (**A/N: **If you are American, I think this is like what you call a mall.)

River took Artemis' arm and led him off the bus and through the crowds. "DON'T WANDER OFF!" She yelled at him when he tried to escape her hold. Several passer-by's chuckled at the short girl telling the tall teenager off. "AND DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS!" She continued when he tried to explain to a laughing teen his age.

Eventually, they reached a clothes shop that River seemed to like. Artemis didn't bother checking the name. River took him up and escalator, while complaining about not being allowed to run up it. The escalator took them to the children's department.

"My clothes first!" said River. "I got some money from a birthday, so I can get some new stuff." There were two sections of the department, Girls and Boys. However, River veered towards the boy's section.

"What are you doing?" asked Artemis. "The girls section is over there!"

"Honestly, have you seen the stuff over there?" replied River. "It's so pink it makes me sick. Pink is ok in small moderations, but that much should be illegal!"

Unfortunately for Artemis, he thought he should make her try the girl's clothes first. When he suggested this, she smiled sweetly and said, "Ok,"

She walked around the pink clothes, picking off the most hideous ones and piling them onto Artemis' arms. When she was finished, she turned round to Artemis.

"Go and try them on!" she said. "The changing rooms are over there."

"Um, WHAT!" said Artemis. "These are girl's clothes!"

"And you have a girls name! Put them on!"  
>"NO!"<p>

"YOU HAVE TO!"

"FINE!"

Artemis disappeared into the dressing room and appeared wearing a pink dress. It was ankle length and had a low neck. It was covered in white flowers and sequins. River looked at it critically.

"Perfect!" she laughed, clapping he hands. "Put your other clothes on now. I'm going to get my stuff. Bring the dress over when you are changed"

Artemis got changed back into his school uniform and walked over to the boy's clothes section. He found River holding a t-shirt with a purple skull on it and a pair of blue jeans.

"What do you think?" she asked him. Artemis tried to think of something complimentary to say about the outfit, but failed. Luckily, River mistook his expression for one of approval, so took him over to the pay desk. She paid for her clothes and told Artemis to buy the dress. Unwillingly, he did.

"Go and get changed into that!" she ordered. "We can wear our new clothes around the city."

Artemis groaned. He wished that River had left him at the mercy of the bully rather than become his friend if this was how she treated her friends. But, he had to and so he got changed into the embarrassing dress. He really hoped none of his fairy friends would see this. Of course, nothing ever goes his way…

In Haven, deep underground

"Holly!" called Foaly from his booth. "Get on here right away!"

"What is it?" asked Holly when she got there. "Anything bad?"

"No, don't worry," said Foaly. "But you know that we made that TV show called Fun Friends?"

"Yes," sighed Holly. "We only did it last week!"

"Well watch this! That girl got Artemis in a dress!"

"WHAT!"

"No joke! We chose a good one!"

Holly and Foaly collapsed into laughter as Artemis walked around the city in the hideous dress, obviously very uncomfortable. He received many strange looks from people and his face was the same colour as the dress.

"I can't wait until this goes on TV!" said Holly. "Will we tell Artemis?"

"Yes, but only after it has been aired," replied Foaly. "We don't want him to stop it."

"No, that wouldn't do. That way nobody would se it."

"I can't wait to see the program."

"Me neither!"

They sat without talking for a while, just laughing at Artemis' dress. Then a thought struck Holly.

"Foaly?" she said.

"Yes?"

"That girl looks rather elf like doesn't she?"

"Yes."

"And her names River… Do you think she could be your River?"

"I don't know. Root was furious when I kept on watching her, so I decided to listen to him for once."

"Would you like to see River again?"

Foaly was silent for a while, unusual for him. "I think I would," he said finally. Then, "LOOK AT ARTEMIS! HE IS TRYING TO GO IN THE MENS TOILET AND THEY ARE PUSHING HIM OUT!" he shouted.

Holly sighed. Foaly never could keep on topic for long, unless the topic was his inventions. She settled down to watch Artemis.

**A/N: **I know that I already did a long A/N at the start but WHATEVER! I don't think I have got Artemis' character right yet and I know the timeline is messed up, with Artemis being nice but Root still being alive. DEAL WITH IT! Thank you so much for reviewing; please review more. I am glad that somebody actually reads this. Sorry the writings bad, this is my first Fic and I joined this site to improve my writing (and read funny stories) I changed my summary and I think this is listed as humour, I'm no good at humour so can somebody tell me if they find this even slightly funny. I know I said I wanted reviewers to decide what happened in the chapter, but when I realised that I had reviews, I started writing straight away. This was inspired by when on my best friends birthday, we had to go clothes shopping. My friend spent an hour in the girls section, trying to find something she liked, before I suggested that we check in the boys section, and she loved the first t-shirt she saw. LOL! If that isn't funny, you had to be there. REVIEW!

BYE!

PS: sorry most of this chapter is A/N, I will concentrate on the story more next time. By the way, I need at least one positive review to post the next chapter, or one with constructive criticism. YOU WOULDN'T BELIVE HOW HAPPY I FELT WHEN I SAW I HAD COMMENTS!


	8. Fun Splash

**Chapter Thingy**

Artemis Goes Swimming

**A/N: Thank you to all my reviewers. Even though I know my story is rubbish. I just read through the past chapters again and I realised I had not made some things clear. River is REALLY small. I mean like nearly short enough to be a fairy. Nearly though, just a tiny bit bigger. I'm bad with measurements, but I know that Holly is 1m exactly, but I'm not quite sure how tall that is. River is a bit taller than her. Also, I noticed that I have only mentioned Rivers parents a few times, so just assume that they are at work, ok, until I remember how to change the stuff. **

**Also, due to my newfound fear of rolled up newspaper (thanks to a certain reviewer) I promise I will never do A/N in the story again. **

**By the way, the last chapter took place on a Thursday. This starts on Friday.**

**As well as all that, the person who asked me what a toastie is, a toastie is a toasted sandwich. I think most people do them with butter, but I do mine like pizza, so River does too. You just make a sandwich, or a pizza sandwich (use tomato puree for butter and put cheese before the other fillings) and I have a toastie cooker, but just put the toastie in the cooker I guess would work. **

**Finally, I realised that the format is different on the website than on word so I am going to put stars in the paragraphs.**

Artemis was sitting on the school bus, head in hands, wishing the previous day had never happened.

'Stupid, moronic, and annoying River' he thought. 'Why on earth would she think that making me wear a dress was a good idea?'

As soon as River and Artemis had got back to River's house, River had gone on You Tube and videos of Artemis were already posted. River had spent an hour laughing at the clips and sending them to her friends.

"Hey, Dress Boy!" taunted a boy in the row behind Artemis. "Where's your skirt?"

"Leave it," said River. "The jokes over. He only did it 'cause I told him too!"

"Why'd he listen to a pipsqueak like you?" laughed the boy.

"'Cause of this!" said River and punched him on the nose.

"Holy!" shouted the boy. "You can punch!"

"Shut up and leave us alone," said River.

"Are we doing anything after school?" asked Artemis, hoping that they weren't.

"Yep!" said River. "We're going swimming. It's fun splash today, so we're going to after school. You can swim, right?"

"Yes," said Artemis glumly. He didn't know what 'fun splash' was, but it didn't sound fun.

When the final bell went, River got her and Artemis up to the bus stop on time. The swimming centre was next to the first bus stop, so they sat by the doors.

"Here we are!" said River. "Now do you remember the rules?"  
>"Which ones?" Artemis asked wearily. He was getting annoyed about being bossed about by the tiny girl, who was completely unaffected by his vampire smiles and cold stares. She reminded Artemis of Holly.<p>

"The rules about going around places!" said River, acting overly exasperated. "I will go over them again for you." River enjoyed bossing Artemis around. He was funny and looked stupid in a dress.

"Right," she started. "We are going to walk over to the building. You must follow the rules because this is a New Place. New Places are Dangerous!"

"No they're not," said Artemis in a bored voice. River was sometimes nice to him, but he was getting really annoyed with her. He knew she was just teasing her, but he was fed up of being treated like a baby, by someone only half his height.

"YES THEY ARE!" insisted River. "Now listen to the rules and repeat after me. DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS!"

"Don't talk to strangers," mumbled Artemis. "Stupid rules, it's only a 100 yards away.

"100 YARDS OF DANGER!" said River. "NO WANDERING OFF. NO CROSSING THE ROAD WITHOUT ME. NO BEING STUPID. NO DROWNING IN THE POOL!"

"I'm hardly likely to try and disobey that rule am I?" said Artemis moodily.

"I don't know," said River. She grabbed Artemis' hand and led him the 100 yards of danger to the Swimming Centre.

"This is your stuff," said River, handing Artemis a swim bag after she had paid and showed the desk woman her bus pass to prove her age. "Get changed in there and meet me in the pool." She jerked her thumb at the men's changing room and walked into the girl's room. Artemis walked into the changing room and opened the bag. For once, River had been nice and not given him some monstrosity in pink. She'd just given him a black pair of long swim shorts. Artemis got changed and went out into the pool area.

The pool wasn't as big as the one at Fowl Manor; it was just normal length, 25m long. Covering half of the pool was an inflatable obstacle course. It was bright and looked difficult. The other half was thankfully devoid of things as big, but had lots of foam sticks and mats floating around. Artemis sighed. It looked like this was not going to be a relaxing dip in the pool. It would be more like a mad splash in shark-infested seas.

"Hi!" said River as she walked over to Artemis. She was wearing a matte black tanki and her long red hair was tied up in a ponytail.

"Nice, um, what is it called?" asked Artemis, having never seen a tanki.

"It's a tanki," said River. "And don't worry. This will be fun. I just felt in a funny mood yesterday. You are still only little though, so you need to obey the safety rules," she said sternly, looking up at the tall teenager, who was nearly twice her height and about 5 years older than her.

"Indeed," agreed Artemis, while looking down to the small girl, who only came up to his hips.

"I won't shout them because that's unsafe!" said River. "Just read them and imagine me shouting them. I'm going to start swimming." She walked to the side of the pool and slid down into the water. Artemis stared at the safety poster blankly for a few seconds, then walked down the ladder into the pool.

"Right!" said River as she trod water in the deep end of the pool. Artemis clung to the side, exhausted after the swim from the other end. "We will now make a boat. Grab those mats and bring them over here. I'll start with these ones." River gestured to some floating mats. Artemis started to weakly swim to some mats nearby. River grabbed the ones next to her and started to pile them together.

"Here are the mats!" said a panting Artemis to River.

"Thanks," said River. "You need to do more exercise if you are out of breath from doing that."  
>"Please be quite," said Artemis. He'd had enough lectures from Juliet on that to last him forever.<p>

"Okay, we are finished!" said River proudly. She had piled together all the mats into what she claimed to be a 'boat'. She pulled herself up onto the 'boat'. Artemis tried to climb up too, but she pushed him down into the water.

"No, it's my turn on the boat," she insisted. "You have to be the sea monster that drowns the boat!" She looked at Artemis like he was the most stupid person ever.

"Fine," sighed Artemis. River was only 11. Anyway, how hard could it be to knock a small girl off a pile of mats?

The answer? Very. It didn't help that River had decided that the boat was called Titanic mark 2. She claimed 'they' would make a film about it called 'Titanic 2: This time lets avoid the iceberg (and that sea-monster)' and it would make millions of potatoes. Artemis wasn't sure if he had heard that right. It was hard to tell what River meant when she was laughing, screaming and trying to talk at the same time. Since it was the Titanic 2, there had to be lots of screaming when it sank, she had explained. River gripped to the mats like a limpet and seemed impossible to dislodge. In the end, a lifeguard told her off and she dived off the side.

"Come on, let's go on that!" she said, pointing to the inflatable obstacle course.

Artemis groaned. He'd been doing it a lot in the past week.

While they were waiting in the queue for the course, River gave Artemis a long lecture on the Titanic; everything from why a sea monster actually sunk it to how in the original the people doing the thing were the girl nearly dies and the boy holds her, they fall off because of a butterfly. Artemis didn't listen, preferring to concentrate on the upcoming trial. Anyway, he was beginning to form a theory that River was half mad. They course started off as a slide down a stretch of the rubbery material that was covered in water, before separating off into two sections. Each section was an identical mirror reflection of the other. After the stretch, there were three tubes sticking out from the border of the two paths. Following that, there was a large hump, before the two paths met again and a forest of inflatable pop up people blocked the way. Earlier, Artemis had observed a slide at the end.

"It's your go," said a bored looking lifeguard. "Three, two, one, go." River threw herself at the course, while Artemis feebly scrambled onto the inflatable.

"Haven't you done this before?" asked River. She had calmed down from her Titanic frenzy, by concluding that it was 'soppy and about a yearlong'.

"I'll help you do the course," she said. "Hold my hands and I'll keep you on the float."

Artemis reached over the wall and grabbed her hands. River carefully led him along sideways and over the hump.

"Do it yourself now!" she said and charged into the inflatable people. Artemis followed. He fell off. Painfully.

"How can you not do that course!" said River. "I can do it!"

They were at River's house drinking tea and hot chocolate. Actually, Artemis just drank tea and River was drinking a strange mixture of tea, coffee, cocoa, hot chocolate, gravy powder, yoghurt and milk. Artemis was really worried about her.

"What's happening tomorrow?" he enquired, trying to change the subject. The next day was Saturday, so there was no school.

"Tomorrows parents evening, so I'm going to the school disco thing," said River. "You have to come too. In the day, my parents are at work pretty much all day, so we're basically watching films all day. Oh, and I though we could do some cooking! NOT CUPCAKES!"

"Ok," said Artemis, trying to sound happy about the plan. But he was dreading the next day. Cooking and dancing: two of his least favourite things.

**A/N: I know there is a massive A/N at the top of the page, but I wrote that last week! I went on holiday and I had no computer or paper! I felt I was going mad with nothing to write! Luckily, my mum made me do a French lesson thing that this guy was doing free, so I nicked the phrases sheet and my sister's pen. Is it just me, or does River seem to be becoming slowly madder? **

**Sorry she is a Mary Sue, I'm going to try and make the story more about Artemis, but I like writing about River. I'm sorry not much happened this chapter, but next chapter I promise that something to do with the fairies will happen! However, only if you take a cookie and write something nice in the jar! The cookie jar is that thing that says review on it. Click that and write in the cookie jar. Please!**

**The inflatable thing is a real thing. I went on it last week. It's boring, but I couldn't remember a fun one. I don't know if it's just the pool near me that does fun splash or what. I LIKE SWIMMING/TRAINS! (God, that took me 5 tries to write trains!)**

**REVIEW!**


	9. What do you know about fairies?

**Chapter 9**

**What do you know about fairies?**

Artemis groaned and woke up. It was his final day at River's house and he couldn't wait to go back to Fowl Manor. He checked his gold Rolex watch. '10:30! I've overslept!' he thought. Wearily, he made his way downstairs.

"Hey," said River. She was sitting on the sofa, although bouncing is probably more accurate. She was watching an amine series and she was obviously very excited. She was also attempting to eat a piece of toast, but she was failing, due to the fact that se was bouncing on the seat.

"I've made you a bowl of shreddies, it's in the kitchen," she said between bounces.

"Thank-you," said Artemis, although he hated shreddies. He went into the kitchen and located the bowl of what once was shreddies, but now was a bowl of mush. Artemis really hated shreddies.

At about 1 o'clock, River finally decided to get dressed. She'd been watching films all morning and although Artemis had managed to avoid most of them, he had been forced to watch a film called St Trinians 2.

"It's so vulgar!" he had complained.

"It's funny!" argued River.

"It has lots of swear words, references to drugs and other vulgar things!"

"You should have seen the first one! They had that girl running round naked!"

"You watch porn!"

"You watch boring lectures!"

"They are educational!"

"So is St Trinians!"

"How?"

"You learn their names!"

"I didn't."

"That's because you were so busy complaining!"

"I'm not complaining!"

"Well, you were before."

"Wasn't!"

"Shut up and watch the film!"

"Never!"

"You are very annoying."

"I think that you are a moronic imbecile who appreciates no art or style at all!"

"Thank you!"

"What?"

"I hate art."

"Pardon me?"

"It's boring."

Usually, at this point Artemis would have plunged into a lecture on art, but just as he was about to, one of the girls got possessed in a zombie like way and made Artemis scream in a very girly way, losing any dignity he had at that point in the argument.

"Do you want a wrap?" asked River, who was making herself one. They were in the kitchen and it was time for lunch.

"Ok," said Artemis. He didn't really, but he doubted there was anything else to eat. He ate his cheese wrap in silence.

"Why aren't you talking?" River asked.

"Because you are annoying," Artemis replied icily.

"Not!"

"You are,"

"Not!"

"You are just going to keep on saying not until I say not, aren't you?"

"Well, I was, but you just ruined it!"

"I think you are very irritating."

"Why?"

"Because,"

"Why?"

"Because you are repetitive,"

"Why?"

"I don't know,"

"Why?"

"Because you haven't told me,"

"Why?"

"I don't know,"

"Why?"

"Are you playing the why game?"

"Why?"

"You are, aren't you?"

"Why?"

"Damn, I hate this game!"

"Why?"

"I'm just going to ignore you!"

"Why?"

"You… FISH!"

"That's swearing!"

"You deserve it!"

"Why?"

"I HATE YOU!"

"Do you want to make flapjack?"

"I hate you! Wait a second, what?"

"Do you want to make flapjack?"

"We were just having an argument! You can't just ask me if I want to bake a flapjack in the middle of an argument!"

"I thought it was the end!"

"Why did you think that?"

"Because I asked you if you wanted to make flapjack, which is unrelated to the argument, so I thought that the argument was over!"

"You are an infuriating little FISH! Fine, I'll make flapjack with you."

"Actually, let's make chocolate bananas!"

"Do you know how?"

"Unfortunately, no. I lost the recipe book. And we don't have any bananas. Or chocolate. And I don't really like chocolate bananas anyway. Maybe we should just make flapjack."

"I think that would be sensible."

"Afterwards, do you want to play cheese or font?"

"What is that?"

"It's a game. You are given a word and you have to say whether it is a cheese or a font."

"It sounds ridiculous."

"It is."

"Then why do you want to play it?"

"I don't, I just wanted to know if you wanted to play cheese or font."

"I don't."

"That's good, it's really boring."

"Can we start making flapjack yet?"

"Ok,"

They flapjack making took an hour in all. It took half an hour to be made and half an hour to cook. Artemis only stirred the mixture, while River did all the real cooking. When she took it out of the oven, it was golden brown with black raisons.

"Perfect!" she announced.

"It certainly does not look very appetizing to me," commented Artemis.

"If we have it with ice cream, it will taste even better!" insisted River.

"I'll have my portion later," said Artemis. "Now I'm going to read."

"Ok," replied River. "I'm going to come up and get ready for the school thing. It's only year 7's though, so you will be the oldest, apart from the teachers. But you're fine with that, aren't you?"

"Yes," said Artemis.

At 4:30, River came running into her room.

"The disco starts at 6!" she said urgently.

"You have two and a half hours, what the rush?" asked Artemis, who was irritated at the interruption.

"Two hours actually, it takes half an hour to get to school. And we're going a bit earlier."

"That's still a long time."

"But we need to get ready! I mean, what are you wearing?"

"I am wearing this suit."

"What! You can't do that!"

"Why can I not wear my suit?"

"Why on or under earth would you want to do that?"

"Because – wait a second, what did you just say?"

"I said 'why on earth would you want to do that?'"

"No, you said, 'why on or under'!"

"Did I?"

"Yes, you did."

"Does it matter?"

"No, it doesn't really matter. You just reminded me of somebody I know. What were you saying again?"

"You can't wear you suit!"

"I shall if I want to!"

"Ok, fine. Lucky I already picked my outfit. Now get out, I'm getting changed!"

"No you're not."

"Well I will be in a second, so get your butt out of here!"

Artemis left the room and a few minutes later River emerged wearing a blue shiny long top. It was covered in blue disks that rustled when she moved. She had black leggings and brown boots with fluffy bits on the edge. She had blue star earrings and her ring that looked like Artemis' fairy communicator.

"How do I look?" she asked shyly, twirling a strand of hair in her finger.

"You look, um, cool?" replied Artemis, who was unsure how to respond. He thought River looked nice, but was unused to her slang. He didn't want to offend her. Luckily, he seemed to have picked the right word and River seemed pleased.

"Thanks," she said. "I'm going to have a shower now. Look after my ring please." She handed him her ring and went into the bathroom. Artemis heard the shower start. He shook his head. Why on earth would she need about two hours to get ready? Actually, where did she get the phrase 'on or under the earth'? That was a fairy phrase. He mentally went through all the fairy Relations River had.

She looked like a fairy.

She used a gnomish word.

She used a fairy phrase.

She had drawn Foaly.

She had drawn Major Kelp.

She had a ring like a fairy communicator.

That he was holding right now. The coincidences were too big to be ignored. He put the ring on.

"Speed dial," he whispered into it. If she had been given the communicator by a fairy, they would have put themselves on speed dial. It was unlikely River would know any fairy numbers.

"Ring ring, ring ring," went the dial tones.

**Haven, deep underground**

Holly and Foaly were both in the ops Booth. It was their coffee brake and, as they had been all week, they were watching Artemis on the screens. Foaly was in charge of cameras and turned them of when Artemis and River were doing things that they wouldn't appreciate being aired on TV.

"Wait, what's Artemis doing?" asked Holly.

"I'll zoom in," said Foaly. He instructed the cameras to focus on what Artemis was doing.

"He's talking to the ring!" laughed Holly.

"No he's not, he's calling me!" said Foaly, alarmed.

"What do you mean?" asked Holly.

"I'm positive that's my River. Before they took her up to the surface, I slipped her a fairy communicator with me on speed dial. I hoped she would use it one day."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was worried Root would find out."

"As if I would tell Root!"

"Root might drug you with truth serum."

"That's illegal. Anyway, I thought you had got over your paranoia?"

"I did."

"I don't think so."

"Anyway, how is Artemis calling you?"

"He has a fairy communicator. He must suspect something about River."

"What should we do?"

"I'll call you. Then it will be busy."

"Ok,"

Foaly instructed his communicator to call Holly.

**River's House, above ground**

"I'm sorry but the number you request is not available. Please try again later," said the robotic voice in gnomish.

'That proves it, River must know about fairies!' thought Artemis. 'I'll ask her when she comes out.'

Just then, River came out with a towel on her head and a large towel wrapped round her.

"River –"started Artemis, but he was interrupted.

"Not now, I'm busy. Ask me in a bit," River said. She walked into her bedroom and Artemis heard a hairdryer go. After about 2 minutes, River reappeared dressed in her outfit.

"Can I have my ring back?" she asked. Artemis handed it back. "What did you want to ask me?"

"Um, this sounds silly, but what do you know about fairies?" Artemis asked her.

"Fairies? Well, they are small, um, do magic and stuff and live for ages. I don't know much." answered River. "But why did you ask?"

"No reason," said Artemis. He knew they were being filmed and he didn't want to reveal the fairies to humans on TV.

"Okay," said River. "I'm going into my room. I want to listen to some music before we go." She went back into her room. Artemis heard some vulgar pop music start playing. He was sure River knew something about the fairies. It was just buried in her mind. But he knew how to get the truth.

River's adoptive mum returned ten minutes before they needed to leave. Artemis had been right; River did not need two hours to get ready, only half an hour. Mrs Fisher nagged River to tidy her room, before they all got in the small car.

"Let's listen to Heart!" said River.

"Let's not," said Mrs Fisher. "It's hard enough to drive with you in the car without the annoying people!"

Instead, River sang 'I know a song that'll get on your nerves' the whole journey. It certainly did get on everyone's nerves, including River, who swore she would kill the next person to sing the song when they got out of the car.

"Let's go!" said River, charging towards the hall. "IT'S DARK AND I LIKE IT!"

Artemis started to walk after her.

"Artemis, could you wait a second?" asked Mrs Fisher.

"Yes?" asked Artemis coldly.

"Please make sure River doesn't get into trouble for me," Mrs Fisher said. "I have never seen it, as parents aren't allowed at school things like this, but her friends say that she gets a bit hyperactive. Please don't let her have too much sugar."

"I will do my best," promised Artemis.

He walked away, feeling worried about what would happen in the hall. He thought that River was already hyperactive, but apparently that was her usual beavior.

"There you are!" said River to Artemis, jumping up and down. They were outside the hall and only gentle music was playing. Artemis hoped it stayed that way. "I need to show you round, because I will probably forget about you while dancing, so you will need to find your own way around here."

"It can't be that hard," said Artemis coldly. He hated being shown things. He preferred to show others.

"Come on!" said River, dancing around. "In the hall is the main disco. You can only go in there and the room next to it, where the snacks are. But you can go to the loo and go outside as long as you stay around here. The disco hasn't started yet, but it will in a second, so let's go inside."

"I said it wasn't hard," muttered Artemis sullenly following her into the hall.

The hall was set up with speakers and a stage that anyone could go on. It had flashing lights in different colours, but nobody was dancing yet. The girls were standing in groups, talking among themselves and the boys were charging around.

"Do you want to play Fight?" asked River.

"By any chance does it involve fighting?" asked Artemis innocently. "Because if the game called Fight does, then I do not want to play Fight."

"Knuckles?" asked River hopefully.

"No!"

"War?"

"NO!"

"Man hunt?"

"NO!"

"Cops 'n' Robbers?"

"I DO NOT WANT TO PLAY ANYGAMES THAT INVOLVE FIGHTING, PUNCHING, KICKING, CHASING, KNUCKLES OR HUNTING IN ANY WAY!"

"Take down?"

"WHATDID I JUST SAY?"

"Oh fine. Tickling take down?"

"NO!"

"Fine, but if we die of boredom before the disco starts, then I'm blaming you!"

Luckily, just then a voice came onto the speaker.

"HELLO!" it shouted. "ARE WE READY TO HAVE FUN?"

There was a collective mummer among the year 7s along the lines of 'yeah, all right' and 'FISH off you stupid creep'.

"YAY!" shouted the voice, ignoring the lack of excitement. "THEN LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!"

A loud song started to thump through the speakers. At first nobody moved, but recognising the song, they started jumping and waving their arms. Artemis grimaced in disgust; it was so vulgar!

"Barbra Streisand!" everybody shouted at the appropriate moment. Those two words appeared to be the only ones in the song.

"COME ON, DANCE!" shouted River above the noise to Artemis, who was standing still and scowling.

"No thank you," he said.

"Come on!" insisted River.

"I'll dance one song," agreed Artemis.

"Okay then, I'll come and get you when it's a good one!" laughed River. "Do you mind if I go off without you?"

"Not at all," said Artemis. "Just don't have too much sugar. Your mum warned me not to let you."  
>"Ok," said River and ran off into the depth of bodies.<p>

For about half an hour, Artemis sat in a seat at the side of the hall, observing the crowd of year 7s. They acted as if they were drunk, laughing, shouting and falling over, though Artemis doubted that they were. He saw River a couple of times, though she seemed to have forgotten him. She was running around, jumping in time to the beat, singing the songs she knew (which seemed to be all of them) at the top of her voice, laughing and generally having a good time. Watching the room of vulgar but happy children, Artemis felt a tiny twinge of regret. When he was those children's age he had had a fairy he had kidnapped in his cellar and was plotting to get his hands on a ton of fairy gold. The most these kids were plotting was how to get an extra biscuit from the snack table. If he was a normal child when he was their age, he wouldn't be kidnapping fairies for a ransom of gold, he'd be kidnapping toys for a ransom of sweets. But he wasn't a normal child. He was special.

Artemis noticed that some songs had more dancers than others. Fast song with loud words, regardless of what they were about, got more supporters. Some songs about dancing got supporters, but only if they were fast enough. A fraction to slow and they were a 'rest time' song. Artemis saw River go up on the stage as a new song started. She grabbed the microphone and started to sing the song along with music.

"_If I could write you a song to make you fall in love  
>I would already have you up under my arm<br>I used up all of my tricks, I hope that you like this  
>But you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me<em>

_You got designer shades just to hide your face and  
>You wear 'em around like you're cooler than me<br>And you never say "hey" or remember my name  
>And it's probably 'cause you think you're cooler than me<em>

_You got your highbrow shoes on your feet  
>And you wear 'em around like it ain't shh<br>But you don't know the way that you look  
>When your steps make that much noise<br>Shh, _

_I got you all figured out  
>You need every one's eyes just to feel seen<br>Behind your make up nobody knows who you even are  
>Who do you think that you are?<em>

_If I could write you a song to make you fall in love  
>I would already have you up under my arm<br>I used up all of my tricks, I hope that you like this  
>But you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me<em>

_You got designer shades just to hide your face and  
>You wear 'em around like you're cooler than me<br>And you never say "hey" or remember my name  
>And it's probably 'cause you think you're cooler than me<em>

_'Cause it sure seems  
>You got no doubt<br>But we all see  
>You got your head in the clouds<em>

_If I could write you a song to make you fall in love  
>I would already have you up under my arm<br>I used up all of my tricks, I hope that you like this  
>But you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me<em>

_You got designer shades just to hide your face and  
>You wear 'em around like you're cooler than me<br>And you never say "hey" or remember my name  
>And it's probably 'cause you think you're cooler than me"<em>

She wasn't very good, but when she finished the room burst into applause, not that that was unusual. Year 7s will applaud anything, give half a chance. On the last line River seemed to glare at Artemis, though it could just be because of the bright lights. She bowed, pretended to fall over and jumped off the stage as the next song started to play. Artemis lost sight of her in the crowds before she appeared in front of him.

"Like my song?" she asked him. "I won sugar sachet out of that!" she waved a little packet of brown sugar in Artemis' face. "Friend bet me I wouldn't do it, but then I did!"

"You sung nicely," said Artemis.

"Thanks, but I didn't," said River, clicking her fingers to the beat. "I sing rubbishy, but if you know the words, then most people don't mind!"

A new song started up.

"I love this one!" shouted River. "This is the one you will dance to!"

She told Artemis that the song was called 'Runaway Baby' by Bruno Marz.

"It sounds like it's about a running away baby!" River later said. "But it's funny because it's not!"

Her method of dancing seemed to be jumping up and down and waving her arms, so Artemis tried to copy her. He ended up falling over so he just stuck to trying to move his body in time to the music. It was hot and loud in the middle of the dance floor; Artemis wished he was back sitting down. When the song finished he was sweating and tired. He wondered how River could keep going for the whole two hours. He saw River was also sweating and her hair was wet. Excitement was shining in her eyes.

"I'm going to sit down again," said Artemis and went back to his seat. He had hoped River would follow him but the next couple of songs were all fast paced, and the music seemed to keep River going. After a while there were two slower songs in a row, but River still hadn't come back. Artemis decided to go and find her.

After adventuring around the hall and still not finding River, Artemis headed to the snack room. He asked the teacher there if they had seen River. They told him that she had been there a few minutes ago; she had had some squash and a biscuit before going back to the hall. Artemis returned to the hall and walked around the edge. He didn't have to go far to find River. She was sitting up against the wall, signing along to the song softly. A few people were giving her odd looks, but she either didn't care or see them. She was staring into space with a glazed look on her eyes. Artemis sat down beside her.

"River, are you ok?" he asked softly. If she was ill then he had to be careful not to upset her. River sang another line of the tune before she blinked and turned to him, her eyes normal again.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing," said Artemis, standing up again. Suddenly, the voice that started the disco came back.

"We only have half an hour left, so we are going to do two of your favourites!" said the voice. "First up, a song you all know!"

A new song begun and everybody did the same dance, except Artemis. He wondered who had taught the Year 7s the dance.

"MACARANIA!" they all shouted at the same time along to the song. Artemis attempted to follow the moves, but got confused and ended up just standing there, looking stupid. At the end the voice came back.

"The next one has easy moves! Just do as the song says!" they said.

It was an easy dance, but Artemis 'Left Foot Fowl' failed hopelessly at it. After the two songs were over, the disco continued as before, only with even louder and faster songs. River raced around, jumping up and down and crashing into people.

When the call for home time came, River refused to go. The people running the disco had left the music on and River refused to stop running around until they turned it off. Even then she was still half-heartedly running around and jumping. Artemis could see she was exhausted, but she kept going out of stubbornness. Eventually, when she was certain she was the last child standing, she stumbled off to her car, Artemis following. Mrs Fisher was waiting by the car. She was about to tell them about the parents evening, but she saw River exhausted and decided it could wait. As soon as River was in the car, she collapsed like a toddler, asleep in seconds. It took Artemis and Mrs Fisher awhile to get their seatbelts on, as it was very dark, but when the car started moving, River woke up. She didn't move but Artemis could tell by her breathing. Mrs Fisher had put some earphone in and was listening to music while driving, so he was safe to ask River some questions. He was sitting next to her and he leaned closer to her.

"River?" her whispered, needing to keep her nearly asleep, when she wouldn't think about the answers. "Can I ask you some questions?"

River murmured something and gave a tiny nod.

"How to you spell leprechaun?" asked Artemis in gnommish.

"LEP r-e-c-o-n," murmured River, also in gnommish.

"What does LEP stand for?"

"Lower elements" *River yawned* "Police"

"What do goblins do?"

"Fire"

"What do trolls do?"

"Fight"

"What do centaurs do?"

"Clip clop laptop"

It took Artemis a while before he worked that one out. She was referring to the hooves and centaurs technical knowledge.

"What do elves do?"

"Tub 'n' Grub" River laughed sleepily.

"What?" Artemis said. So far Rivers answers, although sleepy and with bad grammar, made sense. But this was new.

"Look *yawn* look after!" giggled River. "Tub 'n' Grub sees.

Artemis tried to decipher what River had said. He didn't know a 'Grub', but he did know a 'Trouble'. That could be 'Tub'. But that was as far as he got. It still didn't make much sense.

River clearly knew about fairies and about the LEP. But she couldn't remember. She might have seen the fairies as a baby, but it was strange that she would know so much about the fairies from a quick glance. Or it could just be random answers that could be twisted to make sense. Artemis was determined to find out what had happened.

**A/N: Yay I finally finished this chapter! It's really long, but that's mainly because a lot of it is talking. I wrote this listening to my music and I looked through all my songs to find the one I wanted River to sing. I choose Cooler than me because I thought it suited Artemis. It's about somebody who ignores the signer because they think they're better than them. Artemis is rude to lots of people because he is more intelligent. Loosely, it makes sense. Also, I love that song! I also love Bruno Marz songs, or at least the ones on the album Doo-Wops and something. (Can't remember the last thing) Runaway Baby has weird lyrics, look them up! (Bet nobody will!) Heart is the local radio station and it plays good music sometimes, but the people NEVER SHUT UP! The two songs were Macarena and the other one I don't know but it says stuff like: right foot lets go, left foot lets go, two hops this time blah-blah-blah! Barbra Streisand is an amazing song and I KNOW ALL THE WORDS! Cheese or font is a real game, look it up I f you want. I thought I made the why game up, but apparently a Greek thinker guy did first and then got executed for it. I had better stop playing it so much! This is the only story I will be able to update for a while because the PC I normally use crashed and I had already started chapters on that and I don't want to spend ages writing them again and then the PC working again. Thanks to all my reviewers, you keep me going. I loved writing the arguments; my favourite was the flapjack one. I had a weird dream about Foaly on skis last night chasing River because she stole his carrots! RANDOM! I'm going to shut up now and post this story. THANKS FOR BEARING WITH MY RAMBLING! **


	10. Taller Than You

**Chapter 10**

**Taller Than You**

River was bored. It was Monday; she'd only been at Fowl Manor a day and she was bored out of her skull. She'd even got a pair of enormous scissors and cut her hair. It was now a bob just below her ears. It had been a mess at first, but she had followed an internet guide and now it looked ok. She'd met the Artemis' parents, Mr Fowl and Mrs Fowl, and Butler, an enormous man who seemed to be made entirely of muscle, who was Artemis' bodyguard.

"Cool!" River had said when she met him. "Can you kill people?"

"Yes, so you had better behave," Butler had replied. River was intimidated, but still thought he was awesome.

"Bored, bored, bored," River said quietly to herself. She was lying on the double bed in one of the many guest rooms of Fowl Manor. Artemis had stayed away from her as much as possible, preferring to keep in his room, working on the computer. At first, River had been allowed to watch, but she had been to annoying to be allowed to stay, and Artemis had banned her from his room, his laboratory, meditation room and his computer room. River didn't want to go in the meditation room anyway, as she was far too hyper to meditate properly, but she had wanted to go in the laboratory as she wanted to blow stuff up. She decided to go and into the gardens; maybe there was something fun out there.

After a long time of wondering round the acres of land, River decided she was Officially Lost. But she didn't mind. It was nice being lost; it meant you had an excuse for being late or being where you weren't meant to be. River was in a section of land that was covered in woods. She was disappointed to find that there were no rope swings, but not surprised; Artemis did not seem like a rope swing sort of person. She climbed a tree to see where she was. Unfortunately, it didn't help much and all she learnt was that she was definably in a wood. She sighed, climbed down and carried on exploring.

River could see the edge of the wood. The trees were thinning and she could see light coming through. She ran towards it, as she was getting bored of being lost. Suddenly, something hit her in the head. She stumbled and nearly fell, but she caught herself in time.

"What the hell was that?" she said. She turned round and saw her attacker. It was a piece of wood tied to some string! "A rope swing!" said River happily. The swing went over a dip in the ground and it went quite high. River scrambled up onto the swing and swung herself back and forth. Suddenly, she heard a stick snap behind her. She span on the swing with her fist clenched in a punch and she felt it connect with something. She stopped the swing and jumped off. Standing next to her with her hand on her cheek where River had punched her was a tall blonde girl. She had blue, nearly black eyes and a jade ring in her plait. She looked about 19.

"Who are you and what are you doing on my swing?" she said, taking a hostile stance.

River put her hands up to show she didn't want to fight.

"I'm River Fisher and I was playing on the swing. It didn't know it belonged to anyone!" she said.

"How did you get past the security?" asked the girl.

"What security? I just walked here!" said River.

"Where did you walk from?"

"I walked from the big house,"

"Come with me, I'm going to check. The Fowls don't take kindly to trespassers."

"But I'm not trespassing!"

"Come on!"

The girl led River to a large wooden lodge. Inside it was very high tech and was full of surveillance equipment. The girl got out a walkie-talkie from a draw and turned it on.

"Hey bro!" said the girl. "I've got a River Fisher here, she was trespassing. What should I do?"

The person on the other end said something and the girl's expression changed to surprise.

"What?" she said. "Oh my god, that must have been hilarious! Bye!" She turned off the walkie-talkie.

"Hi River, sorry about that!" she said brightly. "I'm Juliet Butler, Butler is my big brother. I'm a professional wrestler in Mexico; my stage name is Jade Princess. I only got back this morning, so I didn't know about you. I can't wait to watch you on TV!"

"Wow, you're a wrestler! That is so cool!" said River. "Can you teach me?"

"Sure, but I'm only staying until Thursday," replied Juliet. "Let's go back to Fowl Manor."

It turned out that River had gone the long way around the gardens and that Fowl Manor was only a 5 minute walk to the house. When they got there, Juliet insisted that they had lunch first. She took River to the most enormous kitchen she had ever seen. It had every kind of cooker and a whole wall of fridges and freezers.

"Can I have a sandwich?" asked River.

"Fridge 5," said Juliet. River opened fridge 5 and it was full of different sandwiches. River got a sandwich with cheese, ham, pineapple, tomato and sweet corn all as the fillings. They were all her favourite fillings but she didn't know they could be put in the same sandwich.

"Wow, this place is so cool!" said River when she and Juliet had finished their food. They were in the dojo where there was a large wrestling ring.

"Come on, I'll show you the basics," said Juliet. She began to instruct River on wrestling. For the rest of the day, Juliet taught River, until it was supper time.

"But I'm not hungry!" protested River.

"Well I am, but we can carry on tomorrow," promised Juliet.

"Where have you been all day?" Artemis asked River over supper.

"Juliet was teaching me to wrestle!" said River as she ate he food quickly.

"Juliet is a good wrestler," said Butler. "You be careful with her, she is stronger than you think."

"Juliet is so cool!" said River. "I think you are cool too. You even know how to use a gun and do ninja stuff!"

"I don't do 'ninja stuff'," said Butler. "And lots of people can use guns."

"You still rock though," River said. "I finished, can I get down now?"

"Yes, you may," sighed Artemis. He had barely started his main course, but River had finished her second helping of pudding. She had dreadful table manners, but at least she tried.

"Where is the washing up place?" asked River.

"Why?" asked Artemis.

"To put the plate away!" said River.

"Just leave it there," said Artemis.

River went off to goodness knows where, humming loudly as she went.

"Butler, please could you ask Juliet to see me in my office," instructed Artemis.

"Yes Artemis," replied Butler as he tidied up River's plate.

"What is it Arty?" asked Juliet as she stood before his desk. "I want to go and water the plants. They haven't been flowering as well as before since the siege; all the fairies squashed them!"

"I gather that River trusts you?" Artemis asked, ignoring Juliet's complaints about the plants.

"Yeah, she thinks I'm great!" said Juliet.

"I want you to find out if she has ever met the fairies," said Artemis. "But if she hasn't, don't let her find out about them. We don't want her telling anyone! Ask her about when she was younger, maybe about 2."

"But people can't remember when they are that little!" protested Juliet.

"River might, she has an amazing memory," insisted Artemis. "Please do it."

"Okay, fine. I'll try," sighed Juliet.

Over the next few days, River followed Juliet around nearly everywhere. She did lots of training and, although she would never reach professional level, was becoming better at wrestling. On Wednesday, River and Juliet were sitting in the dojo, having a break.

"I have to go tomorrow," said Juliet sadly. River had really grown on her. She would miss her when she left for Mexico. "Can I have your mobile so we can keep in touch?"

"Sure," said River and entered it in Juliet's mobile.

"River?" asked Juliet.

"Uh-huh?" said River.

"Artemis said you were adopted. What happened to you when you were little?"

"I lived somewhere else. I can't remember where. Maybe in a different country; I can speak a weird language but nobody knows what it is. I lived with somebody called… damn, I can't remember! Can I tell you something Juliet?"

"Yes, what is it?"

River lowered her voice. "I believe in fairies. Not silly ones in dresses. I think…I think I used to know them. I just can't remember them."

The next day, Juliet left for Mexico again. River was back to being bored.

"Why don't you go into the library?" suggested Artemis when she asked him what to do.

So River looked round for the library. The inside of Fowl Manor seemed as big as the outside, so soon River was yet again, Officially Lost. After half an hour of searching, River finally found Butler, who was doing his patrol.

"What are you doing?" he asked sternly. He didn't trust River after hearing she had put Artemis in a dress.

"I'm lost. I'm looking for the library," said River simply.

"It's the door over there," said Butler, showing her the correct door. River thanked him and went inside.

The library was an enormous room with shelves covering all of the walls and with lots of comfy chairs to read in. River searched the shelves for something that looked good, but all of the books were old and (in River's opinion) boring. As she was going along one of the many shelves, a particular book caught her eye. It was bright red and when she opened it, it was made of photos banded together. She found the first page and began to read.

_**The Book of the People.**_

_**Being instructions to our magic and life rules.**_

_Carry me always, carry me well._

_I am thy teacher of herb and spell._

_I am thy link to power arcane._

_Forget me and thy power shall wane._

_Ten times commandments there be._

_They will answer every mystery._

_Cure, curses, alchemy._

_These secrets shall be thine, through me._

_But, Fairy, remember this above all._

_I am not for those in mud that crawl._

_And forever doomed shall be the one,_

_who betrays my secrets one by one._

After River had finished reading the first page, she smiled. Reading those words felt like discovering a forgotten nursery rhyme. Then she realised that the writing in the photos was in the strange language she knew. She hadn't even noticed! She was beginning to remember some things about when she was little. She smiled again and went back to reading the book.

When River had finished the book, she could remember everything about the fairies. She could remember living with Foaly, she could remember pre-school, she could remember her intrepid babysitter, Holly, who tried in vain to look after her and stop her from causing a disaster. She could remember being given her own copy of the book and being upset when she saw it taken away. But she couldn't remember why. She also remembered that Foaly had given her the ring. She was about to try to see if it was a communicator, when she remembered she was being filmed. It would be terrible if she revealed the fairies to the world. But what should she do?

'I'll find out if Artemis knows about fairies!' she thought. That could explain why he had asked about fairies. But how could she find that out?

River never was one for subtlety. Her method of finding out if Artemis knew about fairies was to ambush him from behind a curtain and shout "Do you know about fairies?"

"Shush!" said Artemis. "Come into my room,"

"Yay!" said River. She hadn't been in Artemis' room before.

"We can talk freely in here, I've installed a jamming device to stop the cameras," said Artemis once they were inside. "Now how do you know about fairies and more importantly, what do you know about fairies?"

"I know nearly everything!" said River. "I just remembered!"

"How did you remember them? How did you find out about them?"

"I found a copy of The Book in the library," said River. "And I used to live with the fairies!"

"What?" Artemis said.

"I lived with a centaur called Foaly when I was little!" said River. "And also, you know this program is made by PPTV?"

"Yes,"

"That's a fairy channel,"

"This whole thing was the fairies! Please can you tell me about what you remember? Actually, don't. I need to make a few calls first."

**Haven, Deep Underground**

"D'arvit, he's onto us!" swore Holly. She was at Foaly's house, watching the cameras of Artemis and River. It had been quite boring recently though. Artemis just went on his computers all the time and River was funny, but she was always crashing into things, which was affecting the quality of the video.

"I thought you said those cameras could survive anything!" Holly had said.

"Yes, but I didn't make them River proof!" Foaly had protested.

They were certain that River was Foaly's River and that she could remember them, as she had read The Book, but they hoped she hadn't told Artemis. Artemis thought his jamming device stopped the cameras, but Foaly had seen the blueprints for it and had made his cameras immune to it. Unfortunately, it seemed that Artemis now knew that they, or at least a fairy, were behind the show.

"What's he doing?" asked Foaly, who was watching the screen intently.

"I can't tell," said Holly.

Suddenly, her communicator rang.

"Hello," she said. "Who is it?"

"It's Artemis," replied Artemis. "I would like you and Foaly and anyone else who's involved with this to come to my house as soon as possible."

"Involved with what?" asked Holly innocently.

"Don't play innocent, you know what I mean. Just come up here. Even if you don't know what's going on, you can still help with something."

"Fine, I'll come, Mud Boy."

Holly hung up.

"What does he want?" asked Foaly

"He knows it us. He wants us to come to his house. Should we go?" replied Holly.

"Might as well. I never get to go above the ground. Anyway, I would like to see River," said Foaly. "I've got a season ticket to the surface; I've always wanted to use it. You can come on it too."

"Ok," said Holly.

**Fowl Manor**

A while after Artemis had called Holly, Holly and Foaly arrived at the doors of the manor. Artemis' parents were out, so it was safe for the fairies to come in without being seen. Artemis told River to stay in his room, without touching anything, and went to let his guest in.

"Hello," he said. "You can come in. Would you mind waiting in the lounge while I get River?"

"Hello to you too, Artemis," said Holly.

"Hey Dress Boy," said Foaly.

Artemis scowled.

"I'm going to get River," he said. He went up the stairs, leaving Holly and Foaly to find the lounge.

"I remember, it's in here," said Holly, leading through a door. Holly sat on one of the large sofas that seemed even bigger to a fairy.

She could her Artemis shouting at River upstairs, something about a computer. They eventually came downstairs. The door burst open and Holly instinctively jumped up, ready for action. But it was only River. She stood still for a second, and then ran at Foaly.

"FOALY!" she shouted and hugged him. Foaly looked panicked; he never was very good with River shouting, even when she was little.

"Hello River!" he said. "I would say you've grown, but, quite frankly, you haven't much."

"Foaly!" said Holly. "Don't be rude!"

"But it is true!" protested Foaly.

"She has grown! How tall are you, River?"

"I am 111cm!" said River proudly. "Hello Holly!" she ran over and gave her a hug.

"She has grown. She used to be shorter than me!" said Holly.

"It doesn't matter about her height, I want you all to explain what happened," snapped Artemis impatiently.

"Wait, first I want you to explain how you know Artemis!" said River.

"Well, Artemis made first contact," said Holly. "He kidnapped me!"

"What happened?" asked River, jumping onto the sofa and sitting down.

So they all started to explain the story.

"…but since then, Artemis has helped us and we have become friends," finished Holly. River had sat still for the whole story and Artemis had sat beside her. Butler had slipped in, unnoticed.

"Wow!" said River. Then she turned to Artemis. Then she punched him, so quick even Butler didn't have time to stop her. Instead, he picked her up.

"Don't punch Artemis!" he said.

"But he kidnapped Holly! Anyway, you didn't tell Holly off when she did! It's not fair if you pick on me!"

"Oh well," said Butler, putting her down.

"Now," said Artemis, rubbing his arm where River had punched him. "Tell me about how you all met."  
>"When I was little, I crawled into a Haven bound shuttled and into Haven," said River. "Foaly found me and took me home."<p>

"How?" asked Artemis.

"The adoption system is very easy in Haven, because it is rarely used. Basically, anyone can take home an orphan," said Foaly.

"Anyway, Foaly looked after me and Holly sometimes babysat me," said River.

"But why didn't you stay?" asked Artemis.

"Well, somebody was worried about River and made me do some tests on her," said Foaly. "The tests said she was human, and Root made me give her back."

"Meany," said River grumpily. "Can I come and visit you during the holidays? Like, now?"

"Somebody from the LEP would have to come and see you," said Foaly. "Not me or Holly. I can call now, if you want."

"YAY!" said River. "Call now, call now, call now, call now!"

"Wait, not until you tell me about you making the show!" interrupted Artemis.

"Oh, Holly got drunk and thought it would be funny to make you stay with somebody annoying. She mesmerised your mother to entre you. We thought it was really funny!" said Foaly. "I'll call LEP now."

He trotted out and came back a few minutes later. "Root is coming," he said. "He's really angry, so be good River, ok?"

"Yeah, whatever!" said River.

Half an hour later, Root knocked on the door. He had his gun and was in full LEP kit.

"Hello Julius!" said Foaly happily.

"Don't call me Julius!" snarled Root. His face was already red.

Foaly led him to the room where River was waiting. "She's in there," he said.

Root went in and found the Mud Girl and the sofa.

"Right, Mud Girl, what's your name?" he said angrily. The girl stood up and went over to him. She looked quite frightened. Good, thought Root. That should mean she behaves. The girl stared at him for a moment and then said, "I'm River Fisher and I'm taller than you!"

"No you're not!" said Root. He was the tallest elf he knew. He wasn't going to let a Mud Girl be taller than him, even if she did look like an elf.

"Yes I am!" insisted River.

"Not!"

"I Am!"

"NOT!"

"I AM!"

Root went on his tip toes. "Who's taller now?" he taunted. It was unprofessional, but he wasn't going to be beaten.

River went on her toes. "ME!" she shouted.

Root climbed onto a coffee table. "NO ME!" he shouted.

River jumped onto the sofa. "ME!"

Root climbed onto the mantelpiece. "ME!"

River climbed up the long curtains until her head was on the ceiling. "ME!"

Root turned on his wings and flew up to the same height as her. "ME!"

Foaly, Holly, Butler and Artemis all came in. They had been hearing the shouts and were worried about what had happened.

"What the D'arvit are you doing?" shouted Holly.

Root turned red, again, only this time it was more out of embarrassment. "She started it!" he said.

"Liar!" said River.

"Commander, sir, please come down and River, stop climbing the curtains!" said Holly. When they were both on the ground, she continued. "Now, what was that about?" she asked.

"He doesn't believe that I am taller than him!" said River.

"I'm clearly taller than her!" said Root.

"I have a measuring tape, I will find out!" said Butler. He measured both of them. "River, you are 111cm tall," he said. "Commander, you are 110cm tall. River is 1cm taller than you."

"Yes!" shouted River. "I told you so!"

"Please can you get on with the form now?" said Foaly.

"Fine," said Root. Everybody else left.

"Let's start again," said Commander Root, taking a deep breath. "What is your name?"

"River Fisher, what's your name?" replied River.

"I am Commander Root," said Root.

"What, so your mum was like, 'what should I call my kid? Bob, no, Steve, no, Alan, no. I know, I'll call him Commander!' or something?" said River. "What's your first name?"

"It doesn't matter," said Root. "Let's go onto the next question on the form."

"It does matter!" said River. "You have to tell me, so I can do Voodoo doll on you!" do

"I don't want you to do Voodoo on me!" said Root.

"If I promise not to do Voodoo, will you tell me your name?" asked River.

"Fine," said Root, realising that otherwise this could take forever. "My name is Julius, but you have to call me Commander Root."

"I lied! I will do Voodoo on you!" said River.

"Can you do Voodoo?" asked Root.

"No, actually I can't. Maybe we should move on,"

"Ok. How old are you?"

"11 years old. How old are you?"

"It doesn't matter. Are you going to tell people about us?"

"No. I think that is a stupid question. I mean, I'm hardly likely to say yes, am I? Give me the sheet; it will be quicker than talking."

Root handed over the sheet. "It's in Gnommish though," he said. "You can't read it."

River looked up. "I'm halfway through it," she said. After a minute, she handed it back. She had filled in all the spaces in Gnommish and had drawn in the margins. "Here you go, can I come to Haven now?" she asked.

Root read through the sheet. It was fine; she was no threat, but he didn't want to let her into Haven. But if he didn't then he would be breaking the law as she was allowed in. "You can come tomorrow. You will have to go to school though, as Foaly and Holly will be at work and I hear you are very disruptive," he finally said. River did a little dance.

"Yay! Bub bye Julius!" she said and ran out to tell Foaly. Root sighed. Soon the whole world would know about fairies at this rate, he thought.

**A/N: ****I didn't like this chapter as much as the last. The laptop where my other stories were stored died, along with the starting of chapters for my other stories. I'm not going to update them until I've finished this one. Originally, they were going to sneak River down, but last night I imagined River annoying Root and I had to add it in. I'm quite near the end now. :( Artemis won't feature that much in the last few chapters, I'm sorry about that. Thanks for reviewing! Next time: stuff happens! Does anyone know how tall Root is? Actually, does anyone know how tall Foaly is? The fairies don't have rooms big enough for Butler to stand up in, but Foaly is probably as tall as him, so how does he fit? I mean, a person sitting on a horse is going to be pretty tall, and centaurs are like a person sitting on a horse. OH WELL!**


	11. The Change

**Chapter 11**

**The Change**

River had been so excited about going below ground that she felt like she had hardly slept. She was awake at 4, even though the fairies wouldn't come for another two hours. By 5 she was completely ready and was already bored. She considered dying Artemis' hair green with some stuff she had stolen from the lab when he first showed it to her, but thought that Butler might kill her if she did. Instead, she sat by the door, ready for Holly to come and pick her up. It was 6:05 when Holly came.

"Where were you!" said River. "You're late!"

"Only by five minutes," said Holly. "No need to get excited."

But River was very, very excited. She couldn't wait to see Haven, because she couldn't remember what it looked like. Foaly and Holly had promised to take her to the Police Plaza before she went to school for the day and she was looking forwards to it.

She said goodbye to Artemis, even though he was asleep and wrote him a messily scrawled note saying thank you for having me and reminding me of the fairies, that was covered in drawings in all the spaces there weren't words. Holly took her outside.

"Do you think you could fly this?" she asked, showing River a pair of Hummingbirds. "We don't have any other transport at the moment."

"Yep, I reckon I could!" said River, strapping them on. Holly handed her a helmet as she explained how to use them. "Ok, let's go!" said River as she rose into the air. She went over to Artemis' bedroom window and knocked on it. Blearily, Artemis opened it.

"It's 6 in the morning!" he complained.

"I only wanted to say bye!" protested River. "Bye!" she kissed him quickly on the cheek and then followed Holly. She swooped around and laughed at the sensation. Holly led her to Tara and took her down on a shuttle.

"Come on, you can leave your stuff at Foaly's house," said Holly when they were out of the terminal. "It's not far from here." A short walk later and they were there.

"Hello again River!" said Foaly as he came over to greet her. "I got you a bag of stuff for school and a map so you can get to school. I told the teachers about you, they'll explain about what to do when you get there." Foaly led River to a small bike. "Follow me on that to work, and then follow the map to school afterwards. It's idiot proof!" he said.

"I'm not an idiot," said River.

River arrived at her school for a day. The playground was full of children, but they were tiny, like toddler size. They stared at her as she walked to the school building, but she ignored them. She went into the school reception and asked what she was meant to do.

"Oh, you must be the Mud Girl," said the receptionist in Gnommish. "Here is a map and a time table. You can sort yourself out."

River spent the whole day in school. It was a lot more interesting than human school. They had lessons on magic, IT and everything! River got a lot of strange looks from the other children and after school a tall sprite confronted her.

"Who are you?" he demanded. River was unused to being the tallest in a confrontation.

"River Fisher," she said.

"Flix is my name. I think you're a human!" said the sprite.

The people around gasped; that was a serious insult for a fairy.

"Why?" asked River.

"'Cause you're so tall. I'm going to beat you up!"

"No way!" River knocked them to the ground in a second.

"Wow! Only fairies can hit that hard, but you still seem like a human," said the sprite when he got up again.

"That's 'cause I am one!" said River and ran out of the gates.

River stood outside police plaza. She couldn't get in. According to security, they hadn't been told about her.

"Ask Foaly then!" she said.

"No," said the guard.

"Please!"

"No,"

"Please!"

"NO!" the guard's fingers were curling around his buzz baton. Luckily, Holly then arrived.

"Hi River!" she said. "It's fine, she's with me," she told the guard. Grudgingly, the guard opened the door.

"Let's go to the Ops booth," said Holly. "That's where Foaly works."

Holly went the long way around, so that River could see the place. When they were nearly there, Holly was stopped by one of the other officers, asking her about something. River leant against the wall, bored by the conversation. A sprite came by and stopped by her.

"Hey, I haven't seen you before, I'm Chix, what's your name?" he said.

"River," said River.

"Your names as pretty as your face," said Chix, hoping that he could impress her.

"Thank you," said River, confused and wondering whether it would be a good idea to punch him in the balls.

Just then, Holly came back. "Off limits Chix," she said sternly.

"Why?" whinged Chix.

"Two reasons. 1, she's a human and 2, she's 11, younger than Artemis when we met him," said Holly, trying to hide her laughter as Chix started to hover, what sprites do when they are nervous or embarrassed. Chix left quickly.

"Come on, it's just in here," said Holly, taking River to a section of the building full of laptops and fairies using V-goggles. But just then, Foaly burst out of his booth.

"River, I've got some really bad news," he said solemnly. "Your adoptive parents are dead. They were killed in a car crash."

River stood shock still. Then she fainted.

"River, can you hear me?" asked a voice. River opened her eyes. It was Foaly, leaning over her. She nodded.

"Cliché warning, but where am I?" she said.

"You're back at my house," said Foaly. "You wouldn't wake up. You cried for ages, and then slept."

River didn't feel as sad as she thought she would. She just felt hollow and empty.

"Will I have to go back in an orphanage?" she asked fearfully. "Because if I do then I'll like, never see you guys again!"

"I think you will have to," said Holly sadly. She'd been standing in the corner, watching River.

"Yes," nodded Foaly sadly. Then his eyes lit up. "Actually, I have another way!" he said. "But it's really risky; you could get badly hurt, or worse."

"What?" River asked eagerly.

"I won't tell you yet, I need to discuss it with Commander Root first," said Foaly.

He went into another room and River could hear him talking agitatedly on the phone, or whatever he was using. Finally, he returned.

"Commander Root has agreed to let you take my idea," he said. "But he made it very clear that you must do it of your own choice, that you know the risks and that if anything goes wrong, it's not our fault, except, it probably will be. But anyway, what I was thinking was that I could try my idea on you. I was thinking I could turn you into a fairy."

"What sort?" asked River, hardly containing her excitement.

"An elf," said Foaly. "We'd give you plastic surgery to make you look right and I think I could get you magic,"

"Yes!" said River

"But I need to tell you the risks first," said Foaly and he recited them. It was a long list and death was included in nearly everything, but River didn't care. It would be worth it if she became a fairy.

"I really want to do this!" said River.

"Ok, we'll do it tomorrow," said Foaly. "But you will need to have been asleep for several hours beforehand. Is it ok if I use this knockout on you? If the operation works, then when you next wake up, you will be a fairy, if not, then you could either still be human, or be dead."

River took a deep breath. "Ok," she said in a small voice. "Thank you so much for everything. I'm ready now,"

Foaly stuck the needle into her and watched her fall unconscious. Had River just said her last words?

The next day, a group of surgeons were gathered round an operating table, that River was lain on. They knew exactly what they had to do. Through the window that connected the operating theatre to the room next door, Holly and Foaly watched with their hearts thumping. The surgeons worked for an hour, magic sparks circling the table. Finally, they stepped back.

"It's beyond the power of us now," said one. "There is nothing more we can do. It's up to the girl if the magic holds or not."

The whole room watched in earnest. This was the first time this had ever been attempted.

"Her body is slowing down, doctor!" said one nurse. The heart rate monitor slowed to a flat line. River was dead.

Holly cried.

The doctors turned away.

Foaly watched.

She couldn't be dead.

Suddenly, there! A blue spark!

"Look!" shouted Foaly, pointing to River. Blue sparks were popping all over her body.

"That just the magic returning," explained the lead surgeon kindly.

Everyone turned away again but Foaly.

Suddenly, another spark appeared by River's hand.

River's hand twitched and snatched the spark.

But was she alive?


	12. 100 Years later

**Chapter Big Number**

**100 Years Later**

**100 years later…**

Major River Fisher of the LEPrecon 1 squad had just finished work for the day and was on her way to Foaly's house. She was one of the LEP's best, brightest and most annoying. The operation to turn her into an elf had been successful and she was now 111 years old, older than she could have been as a human. Becoming an elf was the best thing that ever happened to her, apart from meeting Artemis, who had been a lifelong friend, even if she did drive him up the wall, round the corner, all the way to California and back. Artemis had died 20 years ago, after a long life of adventures. That day had been one of the saddest in River's life. There was now a series of books about Artemis, written only for fairies, but despite helping some of the later adventures, River wasn't mentioned at all.

River still wasn't used to the People's age measurement. She was around 25 in human years and Holly was around 35, despite being 70 years older. It did her head in! River had a great life now. She had a great job, good friends and a boyfriend called Flix. At first she had missed her old life, and worried about her, who believed her to be dead, but soon she had embraced her new life.

It just goes to show, clicking on flashing adverts you find on the internet asking you to be on TV does pay off after all.

**A/N: ****The story is now over! Or it will be when I finish writing this note. You can skip this if you want. Aw, there's nobody left now! Meh! Why did I say that people could go? Anyhoo, yeah, River survives and stuff. I enjoyed writing this stuff. It was fun. Please keep reviewing, even though it is finished. River was fun to write about, but her story is over. I like trains. RANDOM! Anyway, if you liked this, review and read my other stories. Please. Like, SHORTEST CHAPTER EVER! My chapters started getting really long. They started off little. Um… can't think of anything to say, so bye and thanks for reading. **

**PS: FOALY IS AMAZING(ly stupid!) **

**PS mark 2: There is going to be a film of all my favourite stuff: CHERBUB, ARTEMIS FOWL, Skulduggery Pleasant, it is epic!**


End file.
